Before you all panic, I just want to make it clear that I am not about to kill myself. 

Or maybe I will. Indecision, If I only had clarity.

How many times have I heard that old saying, “If you talk about doing it, then you won’t”.

I am still alive, so there must be some truth in it.

I find it funny, a funny word that, look at it, funny.

So having typed only a few lines, one can see that there are too many I’s.

It is a selfish subject.

But who cares anyhow, when you are in that dark hole of depression, its all about me.

Poor poor me. Its all one can think about, even though its not really thought at all, the brain stopped functioning quite a while before.

There is a brighter side to suicide. Apparently you will not statistically do it when you are totally stricken with darkness. 

You need a certain amount of strength to kill yourself.

There is a comedy side too. Most people who kill themselves do it whilst in recovery.

That means long after the doctors and nurses have said goodbye and signed you off the sick list.

Now that is silly.

I remember this being told to me, after weeks of visits from the emergency psychiatric team.

Comforting being told this as you wave goodbye for the last time allowed by government budgetary restrictions.

Oh and by the way, “most people in your position end up homeless”. 

They are so kind and helpful.

“Well how are we feeling today? “

Actually I am falling in love with you, what is wrong with me, I feel so ill.

She is only trying to do her difficult job dealing with us nutters.

“Have you had any thoughts on harming yourself?”

Well maybe, possibly cutting myself with my chef knives.

“Would you like me to take them away?”

No, don’t be stupid, I am going to hang myself from a mast.

Please don’t go, I am in love with you.

So now, well into recovery, I must consider myself at the highest of risks.

It is true, I do have the most vicious flashes of black thoughts, and now fully understand the statistic.

There you have it. The real illness is present in the apparent wellness.

How often do you hear people saying about a suicide. “ you would never of thought he would kill himself, he seemed so happy when I last spoke to him”.

Wake up to the thought. Depression is the mind closing down in response to abuse.

Let it do its work.

I think it should be celebrated.

It is in the apparent “normal” state that we are maddest.